


Just Add Kittens

by jane_x80



Category: NCIS
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Happy Ending, Just Add Kittens, Kidnapping, Kittens, M/M, The Author Apologizes, The Author Blames it all on Cutsycat, The author is insane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:35:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80
Summary: A crack fic where Tony finds himself kidnapped and surrounded by kittens.I'm serious. This is crack. Crack, I tell you.





	Just Add Kittens

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cutsycat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cutsycat/gifts), [Vt_girl1701](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vt_girl1701/gifts), [Red_Pink_Dots](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/gifts).
  * Inspired by [On Flirtation](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12749796) by [jane_x80](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jane_x80/pseuds/jane_x80). 



> So instead of editing On Flirtation, or writing holiday fics for next month, or god forbid working on my SeSa, I wrote this instead, based on comments in On Flirtation and the epic undying twitter thread that was somehow kittenized and gif-ized. *rolleyes*
> 
> I blame cutsycat, and thank vt_girl1701 for her attempts at stopping the madness. Or maybe enabling cutsycat. I'm not entirely sure at this point.
> 
> Anyway. Yes. I just wrote this in the last hour or so. I apologize in advance. It is crack. Yes, it is.
> 
> 12 MAY 2018: EDITED to add a fun artwork made by the incomparable [Red_Pink_Dots](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Pink_Dots/pseuds/Red_Pink_Dots). Thank you, my Elton! All the love and kudos for you! And also, a propos of this fiction, Happy Caturday to all!!
> 
> <3  
> -j  
> xoxo

[](https://i.imgur.com/bcpwh0E.png)

Anthony DiNozzo was not sure he would get out of this one. Sure, he’d cheated death a few times, been kidnapped and tied up and bound and gagged and exposed to medieval diseases and shot and manacled to serial killers and blown up and all kinds of other unbelievable shenanigans that his life seemed to be filled with, but this time, he was sure he was a goner.

He was sitting in a chair, hands zip tied in front of him, each foot zip tied to a chair leg, and his torso duct taped to the chair. His captor had maybe used up at least two rolls of duct tape on his body. He had been completely immobilized.

The thing was, when he was in a scrape, he could count on the fact that Gibbs, his boss, would be looking for him. But this time, he couldn’t be sure. After all, he couldn’t even recall how it was he had ended up here. It just seemed like he couldn’t remember exactly what he had been doing before he found himself in this whole mess.

And it was a mess, no question. The chair was big and heavy, yet actually surprisingly comfortable, but when he jumped around, trying to shift it, it wouldn’t budge. Not even a tiny bit. The chair might even be screwed down into the floor. Which meant that he wouldn’t be able to try to tip the chair over and wriggle out of the duct tape somehow.

The fact that he had not been blindfolded or gagged worried him. If he wasn’t gagged then it meant that no amount of yelling would garner attention, so he had to be someplace remote. Secure from prying ears. And that he could clearly see his captor who was making no attempt to hide her identity meant that it was quite probable that she felt he would not be able to tell anyone who she was and therefore, it meant that she had plans for him that did not involve a future beyond this time with her. Was he now starring in his own private _Misery_? He wasn’t even a writer or anybody famous!

She wasn’t someone he personally knew, even. Nor did she seem to bear a grudge against him. In fact, she seemed extremely fond of him, and somehow she knew a lot about him and his life and his teammates, which made him squirm uneasily in his chair.

And most disturbing of all was the fact that she was surrounded by kittens. At least two dozen of them. Kittens of all breeds and colors, with long and short tails, stripes, calicos, solids, tortoiseshells. They were all adorable but yet somehow sinister in the way they milled around the woman’s ankles.

“I don’t know you, do I?” Tony asked her.

“Nope,” she grinned at him. “And I’m no Brenda Bittner. Don’t worry. We’ve never met in person. But I know you. I know everything about you.”

“What do you want with me?” Tony had to ask.

She grinned, her eyes glinting wickedly as she rubbed her hands together. “Why, Tony, I want to make you happy.”

“By kidnapping me?”

“Nooo…” she shook her head. “By giving you kitties. You are deprived of love and touch and research has shown that pets really help with that. I firmly believe that these kitties will vastly improve your quality of life.”

“But I’m allergic to cats!” Tony sneezed loudly three times in a row.

“Not anymore you’re not,” her fingers moved in the air, as if typing on an invisible keyboard.

 _Minority Report_ , Tony thought frantically. Like she could see something he couldn’t. Or maybe it was more _Quantum Leap_ than _Minority Report_. Hey, he never realized how much Sam Beckett looked like Dwayne Pride from NCIS in New Orleans. What a weird coincidence. But regardless, the point being she was definitely way beyond cray-cray if she thought she could air-type her way out of his allergies to cat dander. His eyes were red and starting to water, and he could feel another sneeze bubbling up. But then it magically all cleared up. His eyes, his nasal passages, the tickle in his throat. Despite the fact that the kittens were everywhere, he was completely fine.

The woman gave him another smile. “See? All better now.”

“How did you do that?”

“It’s one of my talents.”

They looked at each other for a moment, the sounds of kittens meowing the only noise in the room. “So, what now? Who are you anyway?” Tony asked.

“You may call me… Cutsycat,” the woman smiled. “And now, go get ‘im, kitties!”

The cats obeyed her, all of them running towards him and rubbing themselves on his legs and jumping into his lap, nuzzling his body, his arms, his hands, even climbing onto his shoulders and nuzzling his face. Strangely enough, he found he knew the names of some of them. There was Tom and his pal Jerry, who he thought might even speak German. There was Thomas Magnum, the gray kitten and the white fluffball was Josie. Like that nanny he’d loved as a child. A few looked more exotic – were they panthers? Walking on two legs? Sammy? Marcie? What the hell?

He stared up at Cutsycat, bewildered by the cats.

“What’s happening to me?” he asked, his thoughts awhirl with knowledge of the Cat Kingdom and transforming himself into a cat and _putting a bell on Gibbs to mate with him?_ Although they hadn’t gotten to that part yet, goddamn it. That part he wouldn’t mind at all. And what the hell was up with all of these cats that he somehow knew? And now he wasn’t even allergic to them anymore.

Cutsycat smirked at him and smiled as innocently as she could. “You’re welcome.”

A fluffy, black, green eyed kitten jumped into his lap and meowed at him, rubbing itself on his bound hands. And then a long haired white furred kitten with lovely blue eyes jumped up next to the green eyed kitten, and it purred happily as it entwined itself around the other kitten and nuzzled against Tony’s hands. Tony looked up at Cutsycat.

“Are these…?”

Cutsycat nodded happily. “It’s you and Gibbs in kitten form.”

“What the fuck?”

“You know you belong together, right? Stop denying yourselves. You. And Gibbs. Together. All fluffy and happy. And with kittens.”

“You’re insane!” Tony gasped.

Cutsycat raised her fingers, as if to type again.

“You know you have to put him back,” a stern voice came from behind Cutsycat. Tony watched as another woman emerged from the shadows.

“Jane! I’m only trying to help him!” Cutsycat glared at her. “Come on, kittens, get her!!!”

Tony watched as the kittens streaked towards the newcomer – Jane – jumping on her and clawing her viciously. The second woman raised her fingers and began typing in the air – what the hell was it with these _Minority Report_ people? – and the kittens began climbing her pants legs, meowing for attention, and purring in contentment.

“Cutsycat,” the woman scolded gently.

“Tony needs kittens and love and fluff and Gibbs!” Cutsycat objected. “And you keep giving him angst. And Original Male Characters!” she made a face. “Or Captain America. Come on! _Captain America??_ Didn’t you see what happened in _Civil War?_ ”

“I’ve given him plenty of Gibbs. And two kittens,” Tony watched as the second woman picked up Josie and Thomas Magnum, and they snuggled cozily into her arms.

“You wouldn’t give him kittens in Couples Therapy. Or Yellow Brick Road. Or this newest one,” Cutsycat said mutinously. “This newest one has no kittens, or fluff in the tag. There’s a lot of flirting and friendship. But no kittens or fluff? And what’s this about unrequited Tibbs?”

Jane gave the woman a gentle one-armed hug, the two kittens snuggled in her other arm. “I’ll give him kittens again another day, OK. And I’ll try for a happy fluffy Tibbs, even though you know Black Widow will try to divert the story. But I’ll try really hard.”

“Promise?”

Jane nodded.

“Maybe for Christmas?”

“Maybe.”

“With more kittehs?”

“With more kittehs.”

“OK.”

“Will you put him back before he’s missed? We don’t need TPTB coming after us thinking we’re trying to make a profit.”

“OK,” Cutsycat sighed. “But you know he’ll be happier with kittens. And with Gibbs.”

“I know.”

“OK.”

Both women turned to Tony and smiled at him. “Have a great life, Tony,” Jane told him. “In whatever ‘verse you find yourself in. Be happy.”

“Enjoy the kittens,” Cutsycat smiled. Then her fingers danced in the air, typing typing, and then Tony found himself sitting on Gibbs’ couch, a roaring fire going in his fireplace. He had a blanket wrapped around him and he was shivering.

Gibbs walked into the room, carrying two mugs.

“Gibbs?” Tony looked around. “What the hell? How’d I get here?”

“Well, ‘least you’re thawing out now.”

“Huh?”

“Found you wandering around my neighborhood, no coat, in the snow.”

“What?”

“You don’t remember that?”

Tony shook his head.

“Drink this,” Gibbs thrust a mug into his hands and Tony slurped up the hot coffee greedily, trying to warm up. It wasn’t the marine tar that Gibbs usually drank, but had been doctored with sugar and hazelnut creamer.

“Thanks,” he muttered, warming his chilled fingers on the mug.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Gibbs asked.

“Umm...” Tony wracked his brain. Flashes of kittens went through his mind. But nothing concrete. He couldn’t remember a thing. Nothing. “I don’t know.”

“You remember hitting your head when you took that guy down this afternoon?”

Vague memories of him chasing a suspicious looking man and tackling him, then getting his head staved in went through his brain. “I guess?” he shook his head.

Gentle, calloused fingers carefully felt his head, and he flinched when Gibbs pushed down on the bump.

“Ducky said you weren’t concussed, but I don’t know, I don’t like this,” Gibbs muttered.

“I’m fine,” Tony murmured, closing his eyes and enjoying Gibbs’ touch.

The fingers in his hair became more rhythmic, stroking his scalp. Tony hummed in contentment.

“You’re irresistible,” Gibbs whispered.

Tony’s eyes flew open. “What?” he gawked at his boss.

Gibbs leaned closer, one hand on his jaw, angling his head, before he kissed him full on the lips. “I don’t know how I’ve resisted you for all these years,” he groaned., as he nipped and sucked at Tony’s bottom lips, and pressed his lips on Tony’s, tongue sweeping into his mouth, dominating him, possessing him. When they pulled apart, Tony was breathless, pupils blown wide with arousal and desire, the expression in Gibbs’ face making him put the mug down and climbing into Gibbs’ lap, kissing him, showing him with his body how much he loved this man. They had to separate to breathe, and Gibbs smiled at him, and Tony smiled back.

A tiny little meow surprised Tony. He turned and saw a kitten in the doorway to the kitchen. It was small and white with patches of orange and black all over it. Its ears weren’t straight up like most cats, but somehow adorably folded over a little. It was the cutest little thing he had seen in a long time. At least he thought so… he banished the images of kittens that went through his mind.

“When did you get a cat?” Tony turned back to Gibbs.

“He just showed up. Won’t leave. And he’s so cute. And it’s cold and snowy out. You’re not allergic are you?”

Tony shrugged. “I am, but I don’t think this kitten is triggering any reactions.”

“Good,” Gibbs rumbled. “Because I’m going to take you upstairs and trigger some reactions out of you,” his hand fondled Tony’s hard cock.

Tony smiled at him and they went upstairs, hand in hand, the kitten following behind them.

**Author's Note:**

> I BLAME CUTSYCAT!!!! #justaddkittens
> 
> Check out the comments between cutsycat, vt_girl1701 and myself in Chapters 1 and 2 of On Flirtation if you want to see where this came from. And you can also check out the [epic kittenized twitter thread](https://twitter.com/jane_x80/status/929776645199794177).
> 
> I am sorry about this. I really am.
> 
> <3  
> -j  
> xoxo


End file.
